My Sweet Teacher, Depression

Numbness

I went 38 years without having encountered the enigmatic experience of "depression," and I honestly didn't think I was capable of it. I had been a provider for my family my whole life, and then I found myself without a job and no clear direction for the future. My worth had been tied, in my own mind, very directly to my ability to generate income, and I had done a good job of it for a long time. Once that was taken away, all I had left was a mirror and the most painful lesson of my life.

I know depression operates differently in everyone, but I'd like to share how it found its way to me and how the Gene Keys system helped me understand what it had to teach me. Though I hadn't yet been introduced to the Gene Keys then, I later found out how much of this phase of my life was intricately tied to my 1st Gene Key. For those unfamiliar with the system, you can check out my previous post about it here https://www.holographicbagel.com/post/gene-keys-the-golden-path.

I really appreciate the creative force the 1st Gene Key represents. When ignited, it symbolizes a state of constant renewal and the ability to see life with new eyes. For me, it embodies being present in the moment, open to new possibilities, and moving in harmony with life's unfolding nature. The Gift of Freshness implies continuous rejuvenation of one’s perspective, ideas, and approach to life. When repressed, however, it is characterized by 'depression.' This manifested in me as a profound sense of disconnection and numbness. Numbness is a critical component of the 1st Gene Key, described by its author Richard Rudd through the 1st Shadow of Entropy:

"According to what we can see through the mind, the universe appears to have a single direction — it moves from order towards chaos. This 1st Shadow keeps the entire planet living at a low level of frequency — it is like a blanket thrown across our civilization. According to our mind, we cannot do anything about entropy. That is our chief problem. Human beings do not generally accept themselves, and when you convert entropy into human feeling, it becomes a kind of deep numbness or sense of gloom. Entropy is, in effect, the opposite of love."

Through the Shadow of Entropy, I experienced both its repressive nature and its reactive nature. When I subconsciously began to experience the numbness, I reacted to it. The reactive nature is labeled "Frenetic."

"The reactive side of this Shadow manifests as a frenetic urge to escape one's feelings at all costs. Instead of moving in harmony with entropy by closing their doors and being alone, these people immediately increase their activity and contact with others. They become frenetic in their bid to suppress what is going on inside them, engaging in wild schemes or locked in monotonous patterns that quickly undermine their health. Such people put themselves in great danger because they are moving in the opposite direction from the chemistry of their body. Their urge to escape their feelings opens them to all kinds of illnesses that would otherwise never have troubled them."

Once my frenetic attempt to escape the numbness failed, it slowly and steadily marched toward a repressive nature labeled "Depressive."

"The introverted nature of this Shadow inevitably leads to depression. States of depression can be caused by the freezing of a low-frequency emotional state due to mental collapse rooted in fear. Once fear takes over the physical system, the entropy goes on pulling more and more energy away from the surface of one’s life. Such states can occur at different levels — some can be permanent, others sporadic. Some can leave one bed-ridden, others can simply take away the luster in one’s eyes. Once a depressive state has been fixed, it can only be broken by the individual, and without help. The individual must face down the very fear that caused the depression and shift the frequency of their attitude on all levels."

Ayahuasca

So what does all that mean? Though I initially took some standard allopathic routes at first (code for pills from a psychiatrist), it became evident this was something deeper, and all I was doing was a new form of repression. This wasn't going to be a mental journey; it was a spiritual and emotional journey, and the way out of my numbness was not going to be through more repression but through the emotions I was repressing.

In an effort to get to those repressed feelings, I took the meaningful and terrifying step of preparing for and entering into an Ayahuasca ceremony. The ceremony was a pivotal moment, a point of emotional and spiritual awakening I can't fully ever describe properly, so I won't attempt to. What I will say is the work preparing for the ceremony was just as awakening as the ceremony itself. Instead of trying to carve the path of my life through stone, I spent months allowing there to just be space in my heart. I dug into the wounds of my childhood I had believed to be handled: "I'm a functional adult! That must mean I'm good now." By the time the ceremony came, I felt more like an empty vessel than I had in a long time. Not in a bad way, just in a "I'm ready for whatever" way. What "whatever" ended up being was love, and a whole lot of it.

Though the ceremony helped me remember the nature of my spirit, it also stripped me of some of my egoic drivers. Being able to call on my drive to prove myself had been a massive part of my financial success in life. If someone told me they didn't think I could accomplish something, the fire within would burn with such rage and fury, my fate was sealed the moment the words escaped their lips. Now, stripped down to the studs of my self, I lost that. I didn't have anything to prove, and that was perfect. I was perfect. Even though I truly believe there is a place and time somewhere, in which I fully entered my true self and became some spiritual teacher, this was not the world I was in currently. This world I'm in does not pay me just because I love others. Call it a lack of my own creativity or impatience, but the transformation had me reexamining my life again. I wasn't numb, but the weight of responsibility to myself and my family hung heavy on me.

Months went by after my ceremony, and though I felt much better, my life circumstances weren't improving. Still without meaningful work, I was doing my very best to maintain positive intention while not being burdened by expectation. As the days dragged on, I felt called to plant medicine as a way to look inward once more.

Frustration

Though I journaled my mushroom experience in a previous post, one aspect of that ceremony I don't know I gave enough credit to was my frustration. Often when we repress our natural state long enough, the "not-self" themes will begin to emerge. However, what I wasn't seeing clearly was my path toward a balanced and more grounded life was with my frustration, not against it. Through my frustration, I could feel with my body. Though the transcendental experience of Ayahuasca was amazing, the mushroom ceremony brought me back down to Earth. The branches of my life had extended further out than my roots could support, and the strain I was feeling was a frustration of imbalance. After much punching the dirt and yelling at the top of my lungs, my body released much of what it was holding and gave me the emotional clarity I needed. As much as I enjoy my spiritual work, I am still a person with a body, and I needed to be regrounded to that reality. It was depression which showed me I was not creating a life I wanted anymore, and it was frustration which unlocked the energy to do something about it. The magic of life is in the work we avoid. Once I faced it head-on with an open heart, the life situation became more and more full and joyous, more beautiful in every way.

To anyone experiencing similar challenges, know that you are not alone in your journey. Depression, as daunting as it may seem, can be a catalyst for profound personal transformation. It invites us to delve into the depths of our soul and unlock the incredible truth of who you really are. Below is the first poem I have written in more years than I can remember. Though it's centered around the concept of Human Design, writing it was a creative endeavor and acted like oxygen on the flame of my heart.

Remember that every step towards understanding and embracing our deepest emotions is a step towards clarity, connection, and authentic self-expression. Embrace the lightness and the darkness.