Old Wisdom and Modern Parenting

I often find myself testing our modern realities against wisdom from prior centuries. Even though I believe the adage regarding "nothing new under the sun", I remain a skeptic in some regards. With great respect for the past and those who lived it, I feel the weight of our evolution, adaptation, and collective growth. Each of which require us to change. I reconcile this respect for history and pressure to grow through perspective. Are my experiences the same as those who came before me? Most likely. Are they uniquely experienced through my personal perspective? Also most likely. Parenting for me is one of those human undertakings which neatly straddles the fulcrum of our generational paradigm. There are lessons from ancient history which remain foundational to how we rear children. However, there are none which have the precise perspective of any one parent in today's world. As a father of 3, I value my role as a Dad / role model. How to be a good role model is of course up for debate, but I truly love the process of seeing my own growth through the relationship with my children. When my daughter is refusing to get up and dressed and ready for school, I can feel the frustration enter my body. When my son battles his fear of using the potty (which requires my time and energy on a daily basis) I can feel my reactive nature blocking my compassion and thus my patience with him. I am allowing myself to be frustrated and to lack compassion in these circumstances, however, I must not allow myself to close off the wisdom these experiences provide me. Experiencing those negative emotions is such a waste if I don't take the time to see them for what they teach me. Does my daughter need to get up and get ready? Yes. Can I take a moment to validate her emotions, to meet here where she is and be present while she is feeling what she is feeling? Not only can I, but I am grateful for those moments. Meeting my children where they are helps me identify where the real boundaries they need are. The boundaries I have set in the past were arbitrary and were expressed through my lack of self awareness. The more inner work I've done, the more I value collaboration in the boundary setting process with my kids. Instead of responding with "I don't care, you have to get ready!" choosing to validate first with something like, "I understand you don't want to go to school right now and it's okay to feel frustrated by it." for me has opened the door to building a deeper relationship and a healthier process of boundary setting. There are absolutely times where my children need directives which come from my authority, but I can build that authority with love or with fear. Doing the more demanding work of valuing the wisdom of my own negative emotions, remaining present with my children when I'd rather check out, and making compassion a central aspect of my life, has helped me greatly to build the loving authority my children are far more readily accepting of.

Is parenting the same today as it has always been? In a lot of ways yes, but how have we evolved? For me, I believe the parenting shifts of our modern world are mostly regarding how young boys and girls are raised. Instead of parenting either my sons or my daughter through a lens of their birth sex, I believe parenting to the individual is a far more interesting approach. Even though as they grow, they will have different experiences in the world based on their gender, I can be a role model for self acceptance and self love, which feels more central than who we are as a body. I just read the following poem titled 'IF' by Rudyard Kipling and while I greatly appreciated it's truth, the final line underscored the reality of 1910 vs 2023. So I offer my own version of the final line which I will add below. For the other parents out there, how has parenting evolved for you? What things did your parents do which you have moved away from? What habits and patterns have you kept?

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or be lied about, and not deal in lies,

Or be hated, and not give way to hating,

And yet not look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And build them up again with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

My final line:

Yours is the Earth and everything in it,

Free from fear and enslaved to none!